[Month 19]
Today I was emotional.
It's been a rough week because I'm late (going on 5 days late at this point). I confirmed with a pregnancy test that I'm not pregnant. I'll test again in two days and then call the dr to force my period to start.
Today I got emotional at work. Now this isn't a totally new occurrence but I don't always cry at work... and today was that day. Luckily, it was just between my boss and I ...but still. Nothing like feeling silly for being emotional in front of not just a co-worker but your boss. Luckily my boss is the bomb and was super nice and sincere about the situation.
I have been trying to write in this journal but have been so busy with work and photography that I haven't captured everything I wanted to. So here's a few things on my mind.
Things I've changed this year to help getting pregnant:
1. No Mountain Dew - Going on 3 months! This is super hard for me. I used to drink mountain dew every. single. day. Ugh. The cravings don't go away but the headaches are gone.
2. Not just no MD but no soda or lemonade - The Dr told me to loose weight, which yes I know already but she only confirmed I need to try harder. So that means no more soda/lemonade which are high in sugars.
3. The other diet she suggested was a low carb diet. Have you seen my meal preferences in our household? Hello PASTA, and now I mean goodbye. I haven't jumped on this band wagon 100% yet but I'm sure trying.
4. I have started to drink more water and Neuro drinks which I actually love.
Another topic on my mind is who to tell? We've been keeping this trial to ourselves because I asked Andy to. Not that we are against anyone knowing I just wanted to keep it to ourselves until we knew more direction and options. Not to mention that it has been a touchy subject. We haven't told nearly anyone... it's a hard secret to keep when people ask me all the time when we are having kids. Do I blame them? no, of course not. We are 32 and Kira is 6, going on 7 this August. I hope in the long run our families understand why I kept my secret. Why I didn't want their sympathy quite yet. I love them dearly but for me personally it's easier to go about this process not getting questions from everyone on how the process is going or what my test results were. I think that would make it harder. Maybe I'm wrong, but for now we'll proceed with this plan.
We have talked about remodeling our house ever since we bought it. We've put it off not knowing 100% what to do with the extra space in the basement kitchen which we don't need. Another room, a spare bedroom, a scrapbook/craft room, a laundry room, who knows. I keep itching to do something with our house and the answer just isn't there yet. I started talking to Andy about remodeling our upstairs bathroom which I've actually wanted to do for a year or more. It was on my summer bucket list last year and I didn't get to it. Maybe this project will keep my mind occupied for a little while longer.
After work I went home to edit a beautiful winter engagement session and an adorable newborn girl. While my edits were exporting I decided to jump on pinterest and look at bathroom remodeling ideas and then jumped on Facebook. I came across a post that I just needed today. This lady is a local Cache Valley creative whom I've worked with before. She had just announced her pregnancy yesterday or the day before. When I saw her post today I had to read it. I'm going to quote her because she puts it perfectly:
"So, we have been pretty silent about our infertility struggles. Especially in the beginning. My heart has been so fragile, but also has grown so much. This journey has been amazing to see the hand of the Lord and His timing in our life, but it also has been incredibly hard. If you or anyone is going through it you are not alone. It's a silent struggle for many. "
I instantly got teary eyed. How could anyone have known I needed to hear that today. I jumped to her blog which laid out the last 6 months or more of their infertility and progress. I can't believe I found that just as we being our next journey. It was a blessing, a much needed comfort to read another person's trials. Someone I actually knew. For months, I've been so hard on myself and my situation. I finally accept that it isn't me, it's God's plan. Someday, somehow, I'll be a mom. I truly believe that. I have to.
