Today my hope is dwindling. I feel crampy. Which is exactly how I felt last month. I'm worried this means I'll start my period this weekend. Worried that our IUI's are over and we move on to bigger and more expensive things. Worried that I can't get pregnant. Worried that I'm not meant to get pregnant. Worried that I'll never carry my own child. So much worry but the one thing that over powers all of that is the sadness. The mere thought of never having a child pains me more than I think I can bear. Even as I write this blog post I have tears in my eyes and rolling down my cheeks. Sadness over comes me more often then joy and happiness these days. I try my hardest to hide my sadness. No one wants to be around a downer. Don't get me wrong. I love my life. I love Andy. I love my family. I love my little guy Max. I love Kira and enjoy watching her and Andy every single day. And I'm selfish and I love all my free time which will likely be depleted if we have kids. But between the smiles, work days, and fun times I'm still filled with Sadness. A longing and aching that I am unable to fulfill and at this rate may never know if I can fulfill.
4 days. We are down to 4 more days and then our lives will forever change. Either we'll be pregnant or we'll move on to IVF. A painful and expensive process in hopes of filling that longing for both of us. I would be happy with just one beautiful and healthy child. Just one. Out of all the MILLONS of sperm Andy had, please just let one of my eggs be fertile. That is my prayer. I appreciate my sister putting my name on the list at the Temple. I'm hoping that all the prayers will benefit us and that this round is part of Gods plan for us.
