Happy Father's day

Today was father's day.  We slept in a little and then headed to Andy's parents for an amazing breakfast with everyone.  Then off to my parents for a bit and played cards with my parents and shayna while Collin and Kira played. Oakley joined us at the table for cards.

Today is also Andy's grandpa's birthday so at 230 we headed to his grave at Logan Cemetery and had ice cream. It was a fun day. Dinner at his parents then a movie just us two.

I am so thankful for Andy to be the dad he is to Kira. She loves her Daddy and he is so good with her. He's also such a great uncle and friend with any kids.  He just loves playing with them and I love watching him. I hope that someday he can hold our baby like he does Oakley and play with our kids like he does with Kira and Kade or Collin.  He is such an amazing dad, I hope I can give him the opportunity to be a father again.

I am also so thankful for my dad and all he's taught me. Such a hard working and dedicated man. Nothing he can't do attitude.  I admire him so much with all the trials he's been through in life. He is truly the best father ever. 

A journey, not alone

The more I get into this whole INFERTILITY process the more people I meet that have gone through something similar or more. It amazes me just how many lives are / have been affected by the inability to get pregnant. 10 Months ago when we started Clomid I thought I was the serious anomaly. I thought I was so different and I was so hard on myself every day for being different. I have come to realize I really am not alone. Though there are many many days where I feel so alone, mad, frustrated, emotional, sad and empty to the core I realize there are other women and even men out there right now that feel the exact same way. Though I may not know anyone specifically at this moment in time it is a comfort to know that I am not alone in this journey and struggle.

I met a couple a few weeks ago that did IVF last year and had twins. They used the same clinic we are going to BUT went to the Sandy clinic. They did some of their check ups, ultrasounds, etc at the Clearfield office since it was closer and actually saw our Dr.

I also did photos for a newborn about a week ago that was born through fertility treatments. They didn't make it to IVF but they did injections.

Another family with twins in my clientele that I just found out were born through IVF and their first was born with Clomid.

Another of my clients is pregnant and ready to deliver any day with a baby from IVF, first round!

All of this in the last 2-3 weeks!

This gives me more and more hope every day. We hear so many great stories of success, but what we don't hear are all the failed stories. It hurts my heart to think of how many people try and try to have children and can't. Like us, they have to go through this emotional roller coaster, but theirs ends on a low. Here's to lots of prayers that our journey will eventually continue with leaps and bounds of joy for a new baby. Whether a direct DNA from Andy and I or an adopted child, we would be happy.

1 Week Down

We've made it ONE week! Wahoo.... it's a hard time frame to accomplish when you are literally counting down the days. 2 weeks doesn't seem like that long but boy it sure is.

We've been blessed this weekend to spend a lot of time with Andy's family. Last night we had a BBQ at our house and everyone came. The Hawkes' clan are up from Spanish Fork and the kids are having a ball, playing a lot!

Earlier today, I went for a walk with the girls. Such a good girl time. :)

I met Andy and his dad at the Greenhouse after that. We bought 3 trees and a flower. I can't wait to make our yard beautiful. It's one of my favorite summer things to do. Andy and I got two planted today, I planted the flower. Andy was working on the third one but isn't quite done.

We also met up with Andy's family to go through his Grandpa & Grandpa's stuff from St George. We took a couple of tools and small items.

I took Maternity photos for a gorgeous lady today. She's due with a boy in 6 weeks!

Dinner was up next. I met Andy, Angela, Jordan and the kids at Jack's Pizza in Logan. Yum. One of my favorites! We talked a little about our infertility struggles and what we've been doing/are doing. We also found out some great news... they are expecting! So excited for those guys. She's due in November. It's a great month because it happens to be when I was born :) It's also funny because all 3 of their other kids have birthdays within 2 weeks of each other - End of Jan to Middle of Feb! They are such great parents. Angela was hesitant to tell us because of our struggles. I'm so glad they did though. I am so happy for them. Yes it hurts a little. Something I'm trying to hard to achieve comes so easy to them, but I wouldn't have it any other way. I'm so happy they shared their news with us.

I found an article online that explains this feeling to a T. 

http://www.momsandcrafters.com/the-thing-you-want-most/

Mother's day

Today was mother's day. It was an awesome day we got to spend with most of our family. 

We got Kira at 2 pm. I was in the studio working on pictures and she came right down with her arms behind her back. She was so excited to give me a card she made that said happy mother's day on the cover. The inside said I Love You and she had drawn a photo of me taking pictures of her.  ❤❤ adorable for sure. Then she said I needed a kiss and a great big hug. She said her mom had told her I was probably sad and needed a hug to feel better, she was sure right. For more reasons than she will know.  I was assuming she was referring to my friend Mary, it was such a kind gesture. A small token of gratitude for her today.

We headed to Andy's parents for steak dinner and hung out for a bit. We found out his parents have told his sisters about our Journey. They wanted to offer to do a garage sale for us to earn money. We both agreed but with the small request that they don't announce the garage sale is for us to fundraise money. Andy and I have already previously discussed that option and had decided we did not want to advertise a fundraiser for our journey.

We headed to my parents for another yummy dinner 2 hrs later. Eating dinner twice in a night is hard, especially when they are both super yummy food! My mom had ham, potatoes and my favorite green bean casserole.  We played board games with the family for a couple of hours.  I had a blast with everyone. There were some major good laughs. 

We headed home, watched a show and are now laying in bed. It was a wonderful day. It was actually much bether than I anticipated.  I figured I'd have a hard time today, celebrating motherhood when it is something I am trying so hard to obtain and failing. However,  that was not the case.  

So here's to a 2 week waiting period and hoping it goes by super fast! 

Informing Family - Hansen side

Today was the day. Andy talked to his parents and shared our story with them. I wasn't there so I don't know all the details but he said it went well. His parents have been through infertility/ struggling to get pregnant too when they tried with Andy. I don't know their whole story but it comforts me to know that someone has been in my shoes and knows what we are going through. This trial is so so hard. Even though people say they understand and show empathy the pain, tears, and heart ache are just not something you can explain. 

We'd been talking about telling his family ever since I told mine, the timing was just not quite there. I had told Andy he had to do the talking and he kept joking he was going to say, "Stacey has something to tell you" and then leave it up to me. Luckily for me he decided to have that conversation without me. So happy to share this with his parents. I'm sure we'll inform his sisters in the near future as well.  It's hard every time we let someone in on our "secret" but it will make our support system stronger and better. 

Informing Family - Hawkes side

 This week I told my Mom and Sisters about our Journey. I'm not sure what made me decide to share our story but I first told my mom and then my sisters. We all went to lunch on Wednesday April 6 at Firehouse in Smithfield. They were joking about me having a baby just a little so I decided since they were all there (except for Jamee) to go ahead and tell them. 

It went really well. I didn't CRY a single drop and I don't think I got teary eyed once. HA. Freaking AMAZING. When I had my breakdown with my boss I bawled like crazy so this was a huge step for me. Lately I feel like I could start crying for any reason though I have been pretty good NOT to do that, the feeling and fragile shell is still there. My mom cried, not a lot but just her sincere I'm sorry and sad and happy all together cry. 

We talked a lot about what the heck I'd do with twins or triples and yes that still freaks me out like crazy. Overall I'm surprised at how easy it was to talk about our struggle with infertility. I've tried to keep this secret for fear that I was too weak and fragile to let others know about my problems and journey.  I did tell them to get the full story they have to read this blog and that I'd prefer them NOT to text or ask me for updates but if they want to know to follow the blog and read it on here. I know that is slightly selfish but with all the ups, downs and heartaches it is just much easier to write my words in my own time than to have to face them and talk about it. I break down a lot on my own and to Andy and I really want to save face in front of others for some reason. 

Luckily I have the best sisters and mom in the world and they are super supportive and understanding. 

Andy also told his boss this week because we both have to leave work for a couple of hours in the middle of the day. Apparently it went well and he was understanding so that will be good to have him know as well. 

Pregnancy Test

Today was 2 weeks since the IUI procedure. I woke up at about 5:20 and took a pregnancy test before Andy had to leave for work.

Negative.

A disappointment I wasn't ready for. I had been preparing for the past two weeks for this outcome. I KNEW a Positive Test on the first round of IUI was unlikely. I just wasn't ready for it to actually be negative. I headed back to bed while Andy got ready for work. He asked if I was ok and joked that of course I was because I got to sleep for 2 more hours. Smart guy. He kissed me and headed out the door.

I had a break down. Gave myself a headache/migraine. I couldn't function, I couldn't get out of bed. I was devastated. I didn't go to work until nearly 11 am. This is the start of Month 21.

Andy had emailed me at about 8:10 am, which would mean I should have gotten his email right when I got to work. Instead, I read it on my phone laying in bed and continued to sob while cuddling with Max. His words are so sweet, and I just don't want to forget how supportive he is in this entire process so I'm sharing them here.

Hi babe!

I hope you are doing ok. I seen the test before I left. I’m sorry. Please let me know what the Doctor has to say when you call them. I’m hoping that it is just too early to tell and it will take another week or two to show up.

I love you more than anything.

Chin up J we will figure it out. One way or another

He really is my rock. Have I said that before? Prob, cause it's totally true! 

Work was a blur. I'm sure I got something done but I was just pretty numb all day. I talked to the nurse at my doctors office and we are going to wait another week and test again if my period doesn't start on it's own in the mean time. If it's another negative test I'll start on my meds. 

I can't say I'm even looking forward to another round of Clomid & IUI, that's for sure. AND the next month would literally put us due around Jan 1st or a little after. That's not ideal either. I guess we can't be picky at this stage in the game. 

I can't help but wonder how many ladies I personally know have gone through this and how they all hold it together. I feel like I'm falling apart. My hope is draining. 

Let's end this on a positive note...

This week on Wednesday when we had Kira she was adorable. Andy's Parents stopped by right after we got home just to say hi since it'd been a little bit since we saw them. Kira went in her room and played for a while and we all talked in the Kitchen. Kira came out and needed a stapler. Andy helped her out and then she read a book she wrote to all of us. I about got teary eyed. It was perfect, thoughtful and totally amazing. She's 6 and has so much love for her family and the world. 

Left Side is her Mom's Family - Roger, Misha, Kira, Robinton

Right Side is her Dad's Family - Kira, Stacey, Andy

She says love is important and she shows a pattern of broken hearts. 

Kindness makes it everything. 

Kira and Stacey 

Roger, Robinton, Kira, Misha, Papa, Tia and Gummy

 (It's upside down, sorry)

Kira, Stacey and Andy

Kira and Papa (who passed away last year)

Kira and Grandpa Clark (who passed away two weeks ago)

Love is everywhere you go

Love. 

The End

 A pretty amazing book by a 6 year old, right? 

The next morning Andy went to work at 6 and so Kira and I took a morning selfie and sent to him before we headed to School/Work. 

Love that girl. 

Family Parties

I don't think I've ever been phased by Family Parties until now. We've had 2 birthdays in the last 8 days so we've been birthday party'n with my family. This time they were especially hard and I'm not sure why. Luckily no one asked me when we were having kids or if we were ready so I didn't have to "dodge" the question. Maybe it was all the babies on my brother-in-laws family that were at the party, who knows. It just felt different. I hope no one noticed me being a downer because I tried really hard not too. I have never considered the family and kids aspect of my sisters a hindrance and I hope the crappy feeling goes away. I love my nieces and nephews so much, they mean the world to us.