Pregnancy Test

Today was 2 weeks since the IUI procedure. I woke up at about 5:20 and took a pregnancy test before Andy had to leave for work.

Negative.

A disappointment I wasn't ready for. I had been preparing for the past two weeks for this outcome. I KNEW a Positive Test on the first round of IUI was unlikely. I just wasn't ready for it to actually be negative. I headed back to bed while Andy got ready for work. He asked if I was ok and joked that of course I was because I got to sleep for 2 more hours. Smart guy. He kissed me and headed out the door.

I had a break down. Gave myself a headache/migraine. I couldn't function, I couldn't get out of bed. I was devastated. I didn't go to work until nearly 11 am. This is the start of Month 21.

Andy had emailed me at about 8:10 am, which would mean I should have gotten his email right when I got to work. Instead, I read it on my phone laying in bed and continued to sob while cuddling with Max. His words are so sweet, and I just don't want to forget how supportive he is in this entire process so I'm sharing them here.

Hi babe!

I hope you are doing ok. I seen the test before I left. I’m sorry. Please let me know what the Doctor has to say when you call them. I’m hoping that it is just too early to tell and it will take another week or two to show up.

I love you more than anything.

Chin up J we will figure it out. One way or another

He really is my rock. Have I said that before? Prob, cause it's totally true! 

Work was a blur. I'm sure I got something done but I was just pretty numb all day. I talked to the nurse at my doctors office and we are going to wait another week and test again if my period doesn't start on it's own in the mean time. If it's another negative test I'll start on my meds. 

I can't say I'm even looking forward to another round of Clomid & IUI, that's for sure. AND the next month would literally put us due around Jan 1st or a little after. That's not ideal either. I guess we can't be picky at this stage in the game. 

I can't help but wonder how many ladies I personally know have gone through this and how they all hold it together. I feel like I'm falling apart. My hope is draining. 

Let's end this on a positive note...

This week on Wednesday when we had Kira she was adorable. Andy's Parents stopped by right after we got home just to say hi since it'd been a little bit since we saw them. Kira went in her room and played for a while and we all talked in the Kitchen. Kira came out and needed a stapler. Andy helped her out and then she read a book she wrote to all of us. I about got teary eyed. It was perfect, thoughtful and totally amazing. She's 6 and has so much love for her family and the world. 

Left Side is her Mom's Family - Roger, Misha, Kira, Robinton

Right Side is her Dad's Family - Kira, Stacey, Andy

She says love is important and she shows a pattern of broken hearts. 

Kindness makes it everything. 

Kira and Stacey 

Roger, Robinton, Kira, Misha, Papa, Tia and Gummy

 (It's upside down, sorry)

Kira, Stacey and Andy

Kira and Papa (who passed away last year)

Kira and Grandpa Clark (who passed away two weeks ago)

Love is everywhere you go

Love. 

The End

 A pretty amazing book by a 6 year old, right? 

The next morning Andy went to work at 6 and so Kira and I took a morning selfie and sent to him before we headed to School/Work. 

Love that girl. 

Month 20 - 1st try of IUI and HGC

Today was the day. Our appointment was scheduled for 4 pm. We had to get Andys sample no earlier than 330 pm and take with us.  I also had to stop by the pharmacy and get an injection of HGC they called in this morning. Plus work and a funeral. It was going to be a busy day. 

I left work around 1020 am. I ran to the pharmacy to pick up the hgc injection. The shot is normally  $130 ish dollars, my insurance came back and actually covered some of it which I'm amazed at. My portion was $93.50, those suckers are spendy.  The injection will force/ensure I ovulate.  Which is key during the IUI process.

I then headed to the funeral.  It was a lovely service and grave dedication.  Andy spoke some wonderful words and shared his grandpa's life sketch with all of those in attendance.  We headed to the cemetery and then to a family luncheon.  We were only there about 30 minutes when 3 o'clock hit and we needed to figure out if we were going home to or where we could collect the sample. We decided even though home was 15 min drive each way we'd head there quick. We left Kira to play with cousins at the luncheon and left. 

Next stop the Dr. We were the last appt of the day. It was quiet. We were there for about 15-20 minutes and they came out to get the sample. Another 20 minutes roughly and we headed back to the room. It was the same room I laid in 8 years ago for my LEEP procedure.  Ironic. 

We talked with the nurse that washes the sperm.  She removes the mucus, milk, semen, and converts it into a water concentrate of sperm.

She gave me the HGC injection at my hip.

Dr. Wade then came in to do the IUI. We talked about the issues my Dr experienced yesterday and then proceeded.  I had been nervous all afternoon.  But now I was really nervous.  Andy sat next to me and I crossed my arms on my chest and squooze tight.

The procedure didn't start out so well. He couldn't get the speculum to attach to my cervix. He tried another one and had to use an additional clamp.

The rest was painful.  The Small catheter went in much better than expected since my Dr has freed up a spot. It hurt though, massive cramps for the entire session. My hands were clasped as tight as I could and I could feel tears welling up.  Andy stood up next to me and put his hands on my shoulder.  The Dr was ready and started to push the concentrate in, but slowly. They say if you go too fast the uterus pushes it back out since it's foreign.  Once he was done they removed the catheter and it was over. Sort of.

They tipped the table back a little so I was angled toward my head and there I laid for 20 minutes.  20 minutes of painful cramps. I've had painful cramps/periods  for years so I knew this pain all too well. My leg was shaking and I couldn't sit still. 20 minutes seemed like forever. I got up, got dressed and off we went. We were done about 530.

We are taking it easy tonight. Andy made soup for dinner and we are watching the Good Dinasour as a family. 

And now the waiting game starts. 

Good News | Bad News

[Month 20]

Today was Day 12 of my cycle, which means a Dr. Appointment!

During the appt she did an Ultrasound to check my follicles. I have 3 that are PERFECT! Ideal size and all. Two on the left and one on the right. Wahoo. That's a huge step up from last month. WOOT WOOT. But that also makes me stress because my chances for twins or triples are much higher than normal. At this point though, we are good with any healthy baby we can get. Uterus lining looked good as well.

Sorry about random selfies :) lol 

Next up was the cervix scope/examination. She opted to check my cervix because of my scar tissue from the LEEP to make sure the Intrauterine Insemination would be successful before we scheduled that. There's no need to try IUI if they can't actually get through my cervix PLUS the Price ranges from $500-$1000 so it isn't cheap. She didn't see quite what she wanted and couldn't find an opening (which is likely why we are having a hard time getting pregnant). She decided to "MAKE" an opening, which actually hurt like hell. Exactly what she did I'm not 100% sure and I didn't recognize the tools they were talking about BUT it worked!! After about 5 minutes we had an opening that will likely bleed and spot for a few days but she said that's fine. AND she is very optimistic that this insemination will work OR that we will have BETTER luck on our own this if month turns out negative. Bonus. Great news on both accounts.

We talked about IUI and the process. They take the sperm, wash it, incubate it and then insert it through a tube into the uterus. The goal of the IUI is to increase the number of sperm that reach the Fallopian tubes and subsequent increase the chance of fertilization.

We tentatively scheduled the appt for tomorrow but they have to call the nurse that washes the sperm to confirm if she is available. Apparently there is only one or two in the valley that can do that process.

 So I left with great news, 2 prescriptions, an instruction sheet and a cup. As well as a tentative appointment for the following day. 

So what's the bad news, you ask? Andy's grandpa passed away yesterday. Bless his heart. The viewing is tonight and the funeral is tomorrow SO that makes our appointment for the fertility treatment SUPER tight and possibly hard depending on when the Nurse can fit us in. The appointment will take around an hour to hour and a half plus we have to have 45 minutes available before the appointment to collect the sperm. They are calling back to confirm time. I'M crossing my fingers and HOPING they can do the afternoon like we discussed. Otherwise, we'll skip this month and try again next month. 

Resetting The Clock

{Month 20}

Well it happened. I finally started on my own. After all the stress from Friday, now I can't be mad at the Dr when I talk to her on Tuesday.  So today is Day one of a new Month. Month 20 on this journey of ours. My fingers are crossed but I'm trying to teach myself to not be disappointed every month. It really is hard not too though. After all the pregnancy tests, ovulation tests and trials on fertility meds, I'm just praying that one of these months it works. Sooner would be much much better than later. However. I can't help but wonder if we need to start another journey down a different path, adoption.  I don't know how long it takes to get approved or even what the process is but it might be time to put some serious effort into looking into that option. I'm afraid I may just have bad luck at this trying to conceive process. Here's to crossing our fingers.