Another round Failed

It's been a gloomy day in my world today. I woke up and knew no pregnancy test was needed this round. A day early and I've started already. It's a somber feeling. It's a painful and gut wrenching emotion. By the end of the day I'm numb. Not much matters to me right now, which is likely not the right attitude but I don't care at this point. I want to cancel my sessions and stay home in bed. Be lazy, do nothing and cry. I want Andy to just hold me tight and tell me everything is going to be fine. That one day we'll have success. And I want to believe that. I really do. But in the back of my mind I am hearing myself tell me we failed. I failed. Over and over again. Questions arise like should we keep trying like this or stop trying and see what happens. I'm emotionally drained. The last year has been hard. Over and Over again  events and emotions have hit us or at least me, hard.

Why? That's the question that is always at the front of my mind. One that I can't explain and never will have an answer too. Why, when we want something so much, do we have such a hard time obtaining it.

Today is Month 27.

Ready for injections, Round 3

We started our 3rd round of Cycles with the injections this week. Injection Wednesday night and another one tonight. These two injections are pretty painful. The fluid does not go in easily so even though the needle is super small it takes a while to get the fluid pushed through and it hurts. 

After tonight we have an apt Monday morning and then likely a trigger shot injection that night. 

Here's to hoping for a great weekend! 

Coping

It's been almost a week since the Miscarriage. I'm coping and moving on, Though it's hard...a lot harder than I expected. And I'm still bleeding which is never fun. I never imagined a miscarriage would feel like this. The emotional pain just hits me randomly, day or night. I want to cry, and scream and hate the world. The wonder is always going to be there and it's one of those that will never get answered in this life.

Flowers always make everything better. Andy's parents gave me these beautiful flowers and a wonderful card. We appreciate them so much.

Round 2 IUI, Month 21

I'm not sure what to even write today. The day did not go as planned. PERIOD. Needless to say it was rough, stressful and I'm not sure this is our month or cycle.  But now that I'm laying in bed next to Andy I have hope.  Now that everything bad is behind us maybe I can stay positive for myself on this one. 

We both went to work today with the intention of leaving at about 1030. Andy was busy so we didn't leave until about 11. I had text him and asked if he needed to come right back to work and I could go to the appt on my own. He joked on the drive that he should prob be there when our child was conceived. We hurried home. When we pulled in the driveway Andy said, oh Maria might be stopping by (his sister) so we might should lock the doors. Sure enough she arrived just after we did. Andy and her talked for a bit and about 15 later she picked up the bike and left. We were really going to be rushed. Things didn't quite go as planned and we didn't leave our house until about 1157. Our appointment was at 1145 am. We were already late.  I tried calling the office on our way in and was on hold for about 5 min when they called me on the other line. I answered.  They were checking in to see if we were still coming. The nurse that washes the sperm was in a hurry so they were checking with her to see if she could wait. Our likely 10 min drive took 22 min.  Lunch rush hour. I had a slight meltdown in the truck thinking she'd have to leave and we'd loose our chance today.  We arrived at 1222 pm. 38 minutes late. They at least got us in fast this time. And yes she waited for us. She came in and said the sample looked good, lots of swimmers. She couldn't stay to help so she was passing that off to an assistant. 

Dr Wade and two other ladies came in. It was a cold room. He asked if I wanted a blanket while I laid there after. I joked that with the hot flashes I'd be fine.  He said that dang clomid.  The speculum attached better, though it was not super easy and with the clamp i would bleed again for a bit. Apparently my cervix does not like to play nice. He also couldn't get through the cervix today.  He had to take the dialator and dilate my cervix and it wasn't easy. And that hurt like hell. He tried to get the catheter in and couldn't so he dilated more.  That time they got through.  By then Andy was standing next to me and the nurse gave me some tissue because I was crying.... more like tears running down my face.  It hurt. Cramps and cramps and more cramps. The serum going in causes cramping as well and that's a slow process.  It amazes me that all the pain caused by this process is in a cramping pain. It is so hard to explain the pain I don't even know if I can.

Dr Wade joked that I didn't deserve to be beaten up and he was sorry but we got through.  Wait 20 minutes and we were done.

Those 20 min were a long 20 min. Even with Andy standing right next to me it seemed like forever. 

The next couple of hours were a blur.  I was in a lot of pain and we decided I would be better off not going to work which I was planning on going back. Andy dropped me off at my moms and headed back to work for a few hours. I took more ibuprofen  (I had taken some before the appt because of the pain from last time). At some point I fell asleep for at least 30 minutes.  I was told to take it easy so that's what we did most of the night.

Later when we got home we found our basement ceiling leaking water in two spots. That just tops off the day.

It was stressful but I'm glad we made it through.  Andy is so supportive.  I love and appreciate him so so much.

Month 20 - 1st try of IUI and HGC

Today was the day. Our appointment was scheduled for 4 pm. We had to get Andys sample no earlier than 330 pm and take with us.  I also had to stop by the pharmacy and get an injection of HGC they called in this morning. Plus work and a funeral. It was going to be a busy day. 

I left work around 1020 am. I ran to the pharmacy to pick up the hgc injection. The shot is normally  $130 ish dollars, my insurance came back and actually covered some of it which I'm amazed at. My portion was $93.50, those suckers are spendy.  The injection will force/ensure I ovulate.  Which is key during the IUI process.

I then headed to the funeral.  It was a lovely service and grave dedication.  Andy spoke some wonderful words and shared his grandpa's life sketch with all of those in attendance.  We headed to the cemetery and then to a family luncheon.  We were only there about 30 minutes when 3 o'clock hit and we needed to figure out if we were going home to or where we could collect the sample. We decided even though home was 15 min drive each way we'd head there quick. We left Kira to play with cousins at the luncheon and left. 

Next stop the Dr. We were the last appt of the day. It was quiet. We were there for about 15-20 minutes and they came out to get the sample. Another 20 minutes roughly and we headed back to the room. It was the same room I laid in 8 years ago for my LEEP procedure.  Ironic. 

We talked with the nurse that washes the sperm.  She removes the mucus, milk, semen, and converts it into a water concentrate of sperm.

She gave me the HGC injection at my hip.

Dr. Wade then came in to do the IUI. We talked about the issues my Dr experienced yesterday and then proceeded.  I had been nervous all afternoon.  But now I was really nervous.  Andy sat next to me and I crossed my arms on my chest and squooze tight.

The procedure didn't start out so well. He couldn't get the speculum to attach to my cervix. He tried another one and had to use an additional clamp.

The rest was painful.  The Small catheter went in much better than expected since my Dr has freed up a spot. It hurt though, massive cramps for the entire session. My hands were clasped as tight as I could and I could feel tears welling up.  Andy stood up next to me and put his hands on my shoulder.  The Dr was ready and started to push the concentrate in, but slowly. They say if you go too fast the uterus pushes it back out since it's foreign.  Once he was done they removed the catheter and it was over. Sort of.

They tipped the table back a little so I was angled toward my head and there I laid for 20 minutes.  20 minutes of painful cramps. I've had painful cramps/periods  for years so I knew this pain all too well. My leg was shaking and I couldn't sit still. 20 minutes seemed like forever. I got up, got dressed and off we went. We were done about 530.

We are taking it easy tonight. Andy made soup for dinner and we are watching the Good Dinasour as a family. 

And now the waiting game starts.