A pleasant surprise

Yesterday was a rough day. I thought I was ok and I was first thing in the morning but so many things went wrong or stressful at work I lost it, multiple times. Luckily only while I was on break or lunch by myself or with Andy.  My eyes and face were red nearly all day cause I'd been crying. I'm sure people were wondering what was up, of course I said I was fine. It just wasn't my day, that's for sure. We rented the photobooth out to Lincoln Elementary for their school carnival and we were lucky enough to not be needed. Andy suggested we take the '55 and cruise through the canyon to Maddox for dinner, so we did. It was so fun and just the perfect little get away I needed.

I slept pretty good, amazing enough. I had to get up early and be to the Logan Recreation Center at 730 to Judge a dance competition.  It was fun but long. I came home to an amazingly pleasant surprise from my amazing husband.  He knows me so well.

You know that bathroom we worked on? It's finally done. There was a note on the door when I got into the garage to go relax and take a bath in my new bathroom.  And then this surprise in there all set up. He's so good to me. I got teary eyed.  He is so cute. I love him so much and he is oh so supportive in this trial of ours. He's my support,  my shoulder to cry on, my rock to keep me up. Totally in love with him more today then ever before. 

And this starts Month 22. Welcome to a new round.  A fresh start.  A new hope. 

Pregnancy Test Again

Today marks 2 weeks since the IUI which means it's Pregnancy Test time again. I woke up early again, about 5:45 (Even though neither of us needed to get up and go to work early). Guess it's just the anticipation of knowing after a long 2 week wait.... So I took a Pregnancy test and watched it for about 2 minutes. Decided It might not be finished yet so I went back to bed for an hour or so, hoping it would change. When I got up for real this time, I was wrong. It was the same as it was when I looked at it earlier and it's Negative.

My heart sunk just a little this time. No where hear the disappointment I felt last time. I was much better prepared this round.  It still hurts, tremendously. It's feeling I can't even describe. A longing that just never gets fulfilled. A disappointment in myself, in my body. The thoughts that go through my head just swarm me and I literally have to shut off emotion and go numb or I'll break down like last time. I don't like breaking down and I actually made it to work on time today so I can't break down here. I have to keep it together today, there is just no other way.

So Month 21 is nearly over... a couple more days and either I start my period or test again. We'll wait and see what happens.

I worry what will happen the next two months. I am booked with weddings a lot on Fridays which is when my last two IUI's have been. If I have a wedding the day we need to go in, I'll have to skip the IUI that month. I can't just cancel the wedding photography, what would my clients think of me? Even if it's an afternoon wedding, I'm afraid I wont be functional to attend a wedding after the IUI.

I did some research a couple of weeks ago on IUI's and to most people they are painless, why am I so different? I DREAD going through that procedure again. The last round was much less than desired. I'll have to keep researching and see what the actual standard / normal is. Most of what I found was on other ladies blogs, much like mine.

In good news, my beautiful niece was born two days ago. She's perfect and I am so excited and happy for Shayna and the Larson Family. I headed up to the hospital to see them Wednesday night after she was born and then again on Thursday. Wednesday night she was admitted to the NICU and had a feeding tube, oxygen and an IV. She's doing better today though. Shayna sent a picture of her with no tubes! Little lady was 5 lbs 13 oz, 18 inches long, brown curly hair and she has the most excited and proud big brother.

1 Week down

1 week down and I am tired. Yesterday I came home from work about 5:30-5:45 and laid in bed for 5 minutes until Andy got home. He climbed in bed and we fell asleep around 6. We stayed in bed  sleeping until about 7:20 this morning. I did get up multiple times because that's just my routine these days but man I was tired. 13 hours of sleep is about what we got. I am still tired, maybe I slept too long. We didn't even get up to make dinner, or anything. Poor Max, I did play with him for a little bit before I fell asleep. He slept most of the time with me, cuddling up next to me. Part of my favorite time with him. 

What is up with Andy and I? That much sleep is nice when you are sick, but neither of us are sick! Ugh. I have been trying not to be stressed out this week but I have so much going on at work and with Andy that I can't help it. I'm drained. 

Insurance Issues

I received a phone call today from the Cache Valley Women's center regarding an inquiry I made on the cost of the IUI procedure. What I paid and what the insurance showed I owed were very different. Turns out my Insurance made a mistake and they do NOT cover or discount any Fertility Treatments. That means my cost just went up by close to double. Bummer. It's still not as bad as I originally thought BUT it's no where near as inexpensive as I was exited to report a couple of weeks ago. Here's to hoping we can start saving more money to pay for this.

What a weekend

I was not expecting to feel down and have cramps for more than 5-6 hours like last time. It was a rough Friday and Saturday. Saturday was much better but still didn't feel back to normal. Today (Sunday) is much better. I feel more normal. Though, I can't sleep these days. I get up about 2-4 times a night or more. I'm sure this is nothing compared to being pregnant but sleeping with hot flashes is super hard and I just feel restless.

Last night and today Andy and I have been joking about who is Max's Favorite. Both days he's been cuddly and sitting on Andy which is backwards. I wish I could say I was his favorite but I think he really does love Andy. Of course he loves me too. I'm the one that gives him his treats :)

It's a new week tomorrow. And the start to a 2 week long WAIT. I swear the wait is almost as bad as the procedure / surgery, but in reality its not. I'm just impatient and wish these next two weeks would fly by. Oh to keep myself busy.... we really need to get the bathroom finalized so maybe I'll go heads down in that and keep up on my editing.

Here's to a happy Sunday.

Round 2 IUI, Month 21

I'm not sure what to even write today. The day did not go as planned. PERIOD. Needless to say it was rough, stressful and I'm not sure this is our month or cycle.  But now that I'm laying in bed next to Andy I have hope.  Now that everything bad is behind us maybe I can stay positive for myself on this one. 

We both went to work today with the intention of leaving at about 1030. Andy was busy so we didn't leave until about 11. I had text him and asked if he needed to come right back to work and I could go to the appt on my own. He joked on the drive that he should prob be there when our child was conceived. We hurried home. When we pulled in the driveway Andy said, oh Maria might be stopping by (his sister) so we might should lock the doors. Sure enough she arrived just after we did. Andy and her talked for a bit and about 15 later she picked up the bike and left. We were really going to be rushed. Things didn't quite go as planned and we didn't leave our house until about 1157. Our appointment was at 1145 am. We were already late.  I tried calling the office on our way in and was on hold for about 5 min when they called me on the other line. I answered.  They were checking in to see if we were still coming. The nurse that washes the sperm was in a hurry so they were checking with her to see if she could wait. Our likely 10 min drive took 22 min.  Lunch rush hour. I had a slight meltdown in the truck thinking she'd have to leave and we'd loose our chance today.  We arrived at 1222 pm. 38 minutes late. They at least got us in fast this time. And yes she waited for us. She came in and said the sample looked good, lots of swimmers. She couldn't stay to help so she was passing that off to an assistant. 

Dr Wade and two other ladies came in. It was a cold room. He asked if I wanted a blanket while I laid there after. I joked that with the hot flashes I'd be fine.  He said that dang clomid.  The speculum attached better, though it was not super easy and with the clamp i would bleed again for a bit. Apparently my cervix does not like to play nice. He also couldn't get through the cervix today.  He had to take the dialator and dilate my cervix and it wasn't easy. And that hurt like hell. He tried to get the catheter in and couldn't so he dilated more.  That time they got through.  By then Andy was standing next to me and the nurse gave me some tissue because I was crying.... more like tears running down my face.  It hurt. Cramps and cramps and more cramps. The serum going in causes cramping as well and that's a slow process.  It amazes me that all the pain caused by this process is in a cramping pain. It is so hard to explain the pain I don't even know if I can.

Dr Wade joked that I didn't deserve to be beaten up and he was sorry but we got through.  Wait 20 minutes and we were done.

Those 20 min were a long 20 min. Even with Andy standing right next to me it seemed like forever. 

The next couple of hours were a blur.  I was in a lot of pain and we decided I would be better off not going to work which I was planning on going back. Andy dropped me off at my moms and headed back to work for a few hours. I took more ibuprofen  (I had taken some before the appt because of the pain from last time). At some point I fell asleep for at least 30 minutes.  I was told to take it easy so that's what we did most of the night.

Later when we got home we found our basement ceiling leaking water in two spots. That just tops off the day.

It was stressful but I'm glad we made it through.  Andy is so supportive.  I love and appreciate him so so much.

Informing Family - Hawkes side

 This week I told my Mom and Sisters about our Journey. I'm not sure what made me decide to share our story but I first told my mom and then my sisters. We all went to lunch on Wednesday April 6 at Firehouse in Smithfield. They were joking about me having a baby just a little so I decided since they were all there (except for Jamee) to go ahead and tell them. 

It went really well. I didn't CRY a single drop and I don't think I got teary eyed once. HA. Freaking AMAZING. When I had my breakdown with my boss I bawled like crazy so this was a huge step for me. Lately I feel like I could start crying for any reason though I have been pretty good NOT to do that, the feeling and fragile shell is still there. My mom cried, not a lot but just her sincere I'm sorry and sad and happy all together cry. 

We talked a lot about what the heck I'd do with twins or triples and yes that still freaks me out like crazy. Overall I'm surprised at how easy it was to talk about our struggle with infertility. I've tried to keep this secret for fear that I was too weak and fragile to let others know about my problems and journey.  I did tell them to get the full story they have to read this blog and that I'd prefer them NOT to text or ask me for updates but if they want to know to follow the blog and read it on here. I know that is slightly selfish but with all the ups, downs and heartaches it is just much easier to write my words in my own time than to have to face them and talk about it. I break down a lot on my own and to Andy and I really want to save face in front of others for some reason. 

Luckily I have the best sisters and mom in the world and they are super supportive and understanding. 

Andy also told his boss this week because we both have to leave work for a couple of hours in the middle of the day. Apparently it went well and he was understanding so that will be good to have him know as well. 

Today's the Day - Round 2 IUI

Crossing my fingers hoping this round will take. 

Month 21

Month 21 - Follicle Check {Ultrasound}

Today I had my day 12 Ultrasound which checked the size of my follicles (sacs that contain the eggs). He also checked my Uterus lining and we talked about my Progesterone and Estrogen levels as well as the plan for the upcoming months.

Today I met with Dr. Wade. He's the fertility specialist at the Lodge where I go. He is the one that does the IUI Procedures. This was the first time I'd met with him other than the IUI last month. He's a super nice guy and I'm excited to be seeing him now. He has great hope and works aggressive from what I can tell. Here's what he said...

1. Uterus lining was ok, not optimal. It's thicker than last month which was about 5 mm, this month was 7 mm and change. However, because it's not thicker IF we do not get pregnant this round he's going to put me on an Estrogen medication for days 8-11 of my cycle which will trick my body into creating a thicker and better uterus for the fertilized egg to adhere too. That will mean I'll take clomid on days 3-7 and then estrogen on days 8-11. Hum... watch out all for those two weeks - JK :)

2. Follicle size was ok on ONE. That's a huge difference. The last two months I had three though 2 months ago the one was too big and one was too small. This month it's an ok size at 20 mm but bigger than that is better. He talked about increasing my dosage of Clomid as well but we'll evaluate that once we know if this round works.

3. We talked about the upcoming plan. He said there isn't a plan and it really all depends on us, what we are ready for and what we can afford. He recommends a minimum of three cycles of IUI before going to a fertility clinic but we can do as many cycles as we want. Obviously if we go a year or more with no luck we will evaluate at that time.

4. We talked about my Ovulation Kits for the last year and discussed my prime ovulation day was on 17 or 18 which he said was too high. They like to see that on day 13-15. Last month they gave me the HGC shot to trigger ovulation so he wanted to make sure we did that again. This time they called in the prescription, I ran to the pharmacy and then went back to the office to have them give me the injection today. Last month they gave it to me at the IUI appointment. Luckily, I'm ok with needles and that one doesn't bother me. It does sting for a little bit after and this time I forgot to rub that spot so it turned hard and hurts just a little this afternoon. Crap, I'll know for next time.

5. They gave me a sample cup for tomorrow and we scheduled our IUI appointment for Friday morning at 11:45. Last time we were there for a while so I'm hoping this one goes faster. I asked for work off until 1 but now I'm wondering if I should have pushed that to 1:30 or 2 pm. I'm sure if I'm a little late it will be ok, but still.

6. Hopeful. Dr. Wade gave me hope. Even though my levels, follicles and all aren't in their PRIME like last month there is still hope that this could happen. I have to keep believing that. Today I've also been emotional. I haven't cried yet but it's been close. Deep breaths make everything better... but seriously these damn hot flashes SUCK. More of them today and totally random. I AM GOING TO kill them one of these days. Or at least I wish.

Hot Flashes

The past couple of days have been HORRIBLE with hot flashes.  Oh my gosh I  hate those darn things. For whatever reason they are getting worse and worse and more frequent.  While I was waiting for my client tonight I jumped on pinterest to see if I could find any helpful websites.  I actually found a lot of stuff on infertility, clomid, IUI, IVF and all this stuff we are going through. Of all the websites I've searched over the last year I hadn't checked Pinterest yet. I had to pin and save a bunch of stuff for later so I could go back and look at it. Some interesting reads for sure.

I couldn't help but notice how many cartoons and jokes there were about Clomid and Mood swings. I truly wonder what I'm like on this stuff. Andy can only recall a couple of times that I've been more emotional / moody than normal but I'm sure I can't be "actually Normal". I feel like I get irritated at work more easily and I think I sometimes respond too quick and I'm short. I really don't mean to be that way, I just physically can't help it. I'm sure a few people feel like I'm being Bitchy or that I've changed (though no one knows why because we haven't told anyone). Everything I read online makes it seem like Clomid totally changes who you are/were. I don't think I'm on the far end but I don't think I'm "NOT AFFECTED" either. I try my hardest to take things with a grain of salt and not get upset or moody or be rude. I don't feel like I'm bitchy... but I guess most people that are don't usually admit it or feel like they are. Hum. Well there is one thing for sure - this little image about Side Effects of Clomid is SPOT ON. And seriously when I get hot in bed it's CRAZY. I have to turn the fan on, and take my legs out of the covers which I hate and then I can't sleep. BUT the next day at work I'm all FREEZING with my heater on. What the heck?  Ya, that's how my days go about right now. 

I did see one Cartoon/Joke about infertility that hit home I have to share. This is me to a T right now. Thinking about the likelihood and success rates of IUI vs IFV and I'm all thinking let's go forward with IVF no matter the cost. However, after owing nearly $10k in taxes i'm not sure we can come up with another $10,000-$15,000 or more to pay for Invetro. I am shoked at the costs plus the 'down' time it would take to go to Layton/Salt Lake to have the procedures done. But boy, What I would give to be pregnant on my own, morning sickness, sleepless nights and all. Just to be able to get pregnant and carry a child.

Next Round of IUI

After looking at my Insurance Claims and evaluating the cost of the first round of IUI, Andy and I have decided we'll go ahead and try again this month... Even though that puts our due date at 12/30/16.

The first round of IUI was no where near what we expected to pay, although almost all of the cost does NOT apply to our deductible. With the Clomid, HGC injection, the Ultrasound and Surgery it came in at just under $500. Though, through our Insurance we did get a good discount off the regular price which was up in the $1000s. Since I'm on a Single Plan our deductible for delivery is half what it typically would be on a family plan so that will save us some money. If we continue to do IUI  we will be paying a lot more because it comes out of pocket. However, IUI is much cheaper than In Vetro if we have to take that route which will likely be up next pending a round or two of IUI.

Happy Easter!

Today is Easter. It's a great day for remembering Christ and His sacrifice as well as spending time with family.  We are lucky enough to get Kira for a few hours today and spend time with both our families.

This morning I started my period. The firm conformation that I am not pregnant.  Just the news I needed to stop worrying and give in to the reality from the test I took a couple days ago. It's a hard reality to swallow.

Today starts Month 21. Andy and I need to discuss what this month will bring. Another round of IUI, take a month off or what. If we get pregnant this month we'll be due just after the new year. I think we'll have that discussion tonight before I call the Dr tomorrow. 

Pregnancy Test

Today was 2 weeks since the IUI procedure. I woke up at about 5:20 and took a pregnancy test before Andy had to leave for work.

Negative.

A disappointment I wasn't ready for. I had been preparing for the past two weeks for this outcome. I KNEW a Positive Test on the first round of IUI was unlikely. I just wasn't ready for it to actually be negative. I headed back to bed while Andy got ready for work. He asked if I was ok and joked that of course I was because I got to sleep for 2 more hours. Smart guy. He kissed me and headed out the door.

I had a break down. Gave myself a headache/migraine. I couldn't function, I couldn't get out of bed. I was devastated. I didn't go to work until nearly 11 am. This is the start of Month 21.

Andy had emailed me at about 8:10 am, which would mean I should have gotten his email right when I got to work. Instead, I read it on my phone laying in bed and continued to sob while cuddling with Max. His words are so sweet, and I just don't want to forget how supportive he is in this entire process so I'm sharing them here.

Hi babe!

I hope you are doing ok. I seen the test before I left. I’m sorry. Please let me know what the Doctor has to say when you call them. I’m hoping that it is just too early to tell and it will take another week or two to show up.

I love you more than anything.

Chin up J we will figure it out. One way or another

He really is my rock. Have I said that before? Prob, cause it's totally true! 

Work was a blur. I'm sure I got something done but I was just pretty numb all day. I talked to the nurse at my doctors office and we are going to wait another week and test again if my period doesn't start on it's own in the mean time. If it's another negative test I'll start on my meds. 

I can't say I'm even looking forward to another round of Clomid & IUI, that's for sure. AND the next month would literally put us due around Jan 1st or a little after. That's not ideal either. I guess we can't be picky at this stage in the game. 

I can't help but wonder how many ladies I personally know have gone through this and how they all hold it together. I feel like I'm falling apart. My hope is draining. 

Let's end this on a positive note...

This week on Wednesday when we had Kira she was adorable. Andy's Parents stopped by right after we got home just to say hi since it'd been a little bit since we saw them. Kira went in her room and played for a while and we all talked in the Kitchen. Kira came out and needed a stapler. Andy helped her out and then she read a book she wrote to all of us. I about got teary eyed. It was perfect, thoughtful and totally amazing. She's 6 and has so much love for her family and the world. 

Left Side is her Mom's Family - Roger, Misha, Kira, Robinton

Right Side is her Dad's Family - Kira, Stacey, Andy

She says love is important and she shows a pattern of broken hearts. 

Kindness makes it everything. 

Kira and Stacey 

Roger, Robinton, Kira, Misha, Papa, Tia and Gummy

 (It's upside down, sorry)

Kira, Stacey and Andy

Kira and Papa (who passed away last year)

Kira and Grandpa Clark (who passed away two weeks ago)

Love is everywhere you go

Love. 

The End

 A pretty amazing book by a 6 year old, right? 

The next morning Andy went to work at 6 and so Kira and I took a morning selfie and sent to him before we headed to School/Work. 

Love that girl.